A few weeks ago, my dog lost his eyesight within the span of a single day. Perhaps this is only temporary, perhaps at some point he will be able to distinguish between light and dark again, or perhaps he will never see again—we do not know yet.
This challenging situation has made me reflect deeply, especially regarding responsibility and the profound emotional entanglements that become so apparent in such moments. What images do we unconsciously communicate, in what vibrations and frequencies do we move, where are we entangled in our own helplessness, and how can we accompany with clarity and create space for healing (in whatever form that may take) without expectations?
This experience can serve as an analogy to a family system and illustrate how dynamics within a family operate similarly to those within a pack, and how important individual roles, boundaries, clarity, and separation are. In a family system—as in a pack—roles and responsibilities can become intertwined during crises or illnesses. Each individual tends to lose themselves in the collective dynamic.
In a family with sick family members, a symbiosis can develop, where the identities of the individual family members are often closely intertwined. This symbiosis means that the well-being or suffering of one family member, especially a sick one, strongly affects the entire family system. It is a state where the emotional and psychological balance of the whole family depends on the illness or well-being of the affected member. For the other family members, it can be challenging to separate themselves from this dynamic and preserve their own identity.
Challenges of Symbiosis in the Family
Emotional Pressure: Family members may feel responsible for the well-being of the sick member. Often, there is a sense that one must sacrifice their own needs in order to support the other. This mutual emotional dependency can lead to an “invisible obligation” to alleviate or carry the suffering of the other.
Loss of Personal Identity: In such a symbiotic relationship, it can be difficult to differentiate between one’s own feelings and those of the sick family member. The family dynamic might lead one to define themselves through the role of helper or supporter, rather than focusing on their own needs and goals.
Unconscious Role Assumption: Often, healthy family members unconsciously take on specific roles, such as the “rescuer,” the “caregiver,” or the “mother figure,” to meet the demands of the situation. These roles can hinder personal development and lead to a sense of self-sacrifice.
Fear of Separation: Setting boundaries can be associated with feelings of guilt. There may be a fear of acting selfishly or abandoning the sick family member if one focuses on their own limits. This fear of distancing often maintains the symbiosis.
Steps to Setting Boundaries
Developing Awareness: The first step is to become aware of the symbiotic dynamics. Reflect on how emotionally intertwined you are with the sick family member and how this affects your own desires and goals. Awareness is the key to recognizing where boundaries are needed.
Prioritizing Self-Care: It is essential to pay attention to your own needs. Self-care is not selfishness; it is a necessary practice to remain healthy and stable in the long term. This includes taking breaks, personal time, activities that bring joy, and emotional relief through conversations or therapeutic support.
Fostering Emotional Independence: It can be helpful to practice emotional distance by learning to differentiate between your own emotions and those of the sick family member. This means showing compassion without fully taking on the emotional burdens. You can be there for the other person without assuming responsibility for their healing.
Setting Healthy Boundaries: Setting boundaries does not mean cutting off contact or withdrawing support, but drawing clear lines regarding what you can provide emotionally and physically. These boundaries allow space for your own identity without neglecting the family relationship.
Communication and Openness: It is important to be open with your family about your own needs and boundaries. An honest exchange about the burdens and feelings can help clarify roles and prevent expectations or misunderstandings. Clarity and open communication can help reduce guilt and normalize setting boundaries.
Seeking Outside Support: Professional support, whether through therapy, coaching, or support groups, can help you become aware of your own role and provide emotional support. This creates space to work on your own identity independently of the family dynamics and to learn healthy boundary-setting.
Seeing the Illness as Part, but Not the Whole, of the Family: It is important to recognize that while the illness affects the life of the family, it should not define the entire existence of the family. Each person in the family has their own needs, dreams, and goals that are worth pursuing, regardless of the challenges posed by the illness.
Finding healthy boundaries in a family with a sick family member is a challenge that requires emotional strength and self-reflection. By cultivating awareness, setting clear boundaries, and strengthening one’s own identity, one can remain in a supportive role without losing oneself in the process. This is not only crucial for one’s own well-being but ultimately also for the healthy functioning of the entire family system.
If you are up to finding more clarity re your family dynamics just contact me and we’ll work out a plan for deeper self reflection and transformational processes in your life!