The Unspoken “Contract” Between Child and Parents: The Dynamics of Self-Denial and Its Effects on the Autonomic Nervous System
In early childhood, an invisible yet profound dynamic often develops between the child and their parents. This unconscious “agreement” serves to maintain balance within the family system and represents a survival strategy for the child. During this phase, children are completely dependent on the care and protection of their parents. They need security, safety, and emotional closeness to develop healthily. In return, children often develop a deep, unconscious need to preserve the family equilibrium. This can lead to an unspoken “contract”: the parents ensure safety, and the child does everything to maintain this balance—even if it means suppressing their own needs and parts of their identity.
The Dynamics of the Family “Contract”
A child is emotionally and physically dependent on the family and instinctively wants to avoid jeopardizing this bond. However, when the child notices that their authentic emotional reactions or needs could lead to tensions or conflicts within the family, they learn to suppress them. They take on the responsibility for the homeostasis of the family system—maintaining harmony and stability. This pattern serves to protect the family balance but is often associated with the denial of their own needs and identity.
This means the child learns to set aside their own wishes, feelings, and needs to avoid conflicts or meet parental expectations. The family system remains stable, but the child pays a high price: they lose contact with their authentic self as they continuously adapt and control their emotions to preserve the balance within the family.
The role of the autonomic nervous system in this dynamic
The autonomic nervous system plays a central role in this dynamic. The autonomic nervous system controls unconscious physical processes such as heartbeat, breathing and digestion. It consists of two main branches: the sympathetic and the parasympathetic. The sympathetic nervous system is responsible for the “fight or flight” response, while the parasympathetic nervous system ensures relaxation and regeneration.
When a child constantly feels that his/her needs and emotions pose a threat to the family balance, his/her nervous system becomes chronically activated. Instead of being in a relaxed and regenerative state where the parasympathetic nervous system dominates, the sympathetic nervous system is constantly activated. This leads to increased alertness and tension – a condition typically associated with stress and anxiety.
The child lives in a constant field of tension: S/he wants security, but feels that fulfilling his/her own needs could jeopardize this security. This creates constant activation of the stress system. In the long term, this can lead to the child remaining in a chronic state of tension and over-arousal, affecting not only emotional but also physical health.
Long-term effects on body and mind
If the autonomic nervous system remains permanently in a stress mode, this has far-reaching consequences. The child who later grows into an adult may still live in a state where it is difficult to relax, feel safe, or form authentic emotional connections. The suppressed needs and emotions often lead to a deep inner conflict, which can manifest itself in anxiety, depression, psychosomatic complaints or chronic stress symptoms.
In addition, this constant tension has a negative impact on the immune system, digestive system and general well-being. People who learned to deny their own needs in childhood tend to ignore themselves and their needs as adults, often leading to exhaustion and burnout.
Paths to awareness and healing
The first step to healing is becoming aware of these unconscious dynamics. Recognizing that as a child you entered into an unspoken “contract” that stabilized the family system is essential. The point is to understand that these strategies were useful in childhood to survive in a certain environment, but are no longer useful in adulthood.
A key to transformation lies in the regulation of the autonomic nervous system. Methods such as mindful breathing, meditation, yoga or somatic therapy approaches can help calm the nervous system and get out of chronic stress mode. As the nervous system learns to relax, people are able to step out of old survival patterns and become aware of their own needs again.
The role of archetypes
Another important step in this process is working with archetypes as described by Carl Gustav Jung, Joseph Campbell, Maureen Murdock, Clarissa Pinkola Estes and others. Archetypes are universal symbols anchored in the collective unconscious that embody different roles and energies in human life. By examining certain archetypes, a person can recognize which roles they have taken on within the family.
For example, someone who has learned to sacrifice themselves for the sake of family homeostasis might be strongly identified with the “helper” or “martyr” archetype. These archetypes represent the need to give up oneself in order to serve others or maintain balance. Consciously working with these archetypes can help to recognize and change these patterns. At the same time, you can integrate new archetypes such as the “Warrior” or the “Queen”, which stand for self-assertion, inner strength and standing up for your own needs.
Conclusion
The unconscious agreement that develops in early childhood between the child and his or her parents has profound effects on emotional and physical health. The need to maintain family homeostasis often leads the child to deny his or her own needs and live in a chronic state of stress and tension. To break out of this pattern, it is important to calm the nervous system and become aware of the unconscious dynamics. Working with archetypes and regulating the autonomic nervous system can help transform old survival patterns and lead an authentic, self-determined life.